In 2015, I received the unexpected news that I was expecting triplets. My partner and I were elated after enduring years of infertility struggles. However, as soon as we shared the news, we were bombarded with a flurry of comments: “Triplets?! How will you manage that? Glad it’s not me!” After mastering my responses and perfecting a glare for the rudest remarks, I thought I’d heard it all. But nothing prepared me for the hurtful comments that would follow the loss of two of my precious children.
On June 30, 2015, I gave birth to my triplets, born more than four months premature. Tragically, my daughter, Hannah, passed away that same day, followed by my son, Liam, who lived for just under two months. Before this life-altering experience, I had no understanding of child loss; it was a realm I never wished to enter. Over time, I learned that some phrases, though often well-intentioned, can be deeply painful. Here are five things to avoid saying to a grieving parent:
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“Everything happens for a reason.”
Such comments can feel insensitive to those who have experienced the loss of a child. Life’s events don’t always make sense. A parent should never have to bury their child. I often reflect on a conversation I had with my childhood mentor the night before Liam passed. I asked her, “Why me?” Her answer resonates with me daily: “God doesn’t only give us what we can handle; He supports us in managing what we’ve been given.”
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“They are in a better place.”
This phrase often feels dismissive. After longing for the joy of parenthood, I struggle with the notion that my children are not in my arms. Every grieving mother and father would trade anything to hold their little ones again.
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“At least you have one surviving child. Count your blessings.”
While I appreciate the sentiment, it’s not that simple. Losing two children does not become less painful because I have one surviving child. My daughter, Emma, is a beautiful blessing, but I often find myself wishing she could play with her siblings instead of just waving at their photos.
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“You’re still young. You can have more children.”
It’s not just about age. Many people are unaware of the challenges couples face when trying to have children. For some, the trauma of loss makes the idea of having more children a daunting prospect. I came perilously close to losing my life during delivery; that’s a scar that lasts a lifetime.
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“I can’t imagine how you cope. I wouldn’t be able to handle losing two children.”
Some days, I struggle to understand how I manage it myself. We adapt and find a “new normal,” but reminders of our grief can be overwhelming and serve as stark reminders of the children we lost.
If you want to support a grieving parent, understand that words can’t erase pain. Simply being present and expressing your willingness to listen is invaluable. For me, the most comforting thing someone can do is to mention my children by name—Hannah and Liam. Discussing their brief existence brings warmth to my heart and keeps their memory alive.
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Summary
Grieving parents endure immense pain, and certain phrases, while well-meaning, can deepen their hurt. Instead of offering platitudes, support by being present and acknowledging their lost children. Remember, it’s the act of remembrance that brings solace.