When my daughter was an infant, she had this adorable habit of flailing her tiny fists in the air as she drifted off to sleep. It was one of those involuntary reflexes that newborns exhibit—like the startle reflex, sneezes, or even eye-rolls. Little did we know, this was her initial display of defiance.
From the very beginning, she resisted us at every turn. Every attempt to place her in a baby carrier was met with stiff legs as if she were determined to escape. Whether it was during nursing, napping, or in her car seat, she consistently fussed. Sleep was her greatest adversary; despite reading numerous parenting books, she took an agonizing hour to finally fall asleep.
What worked for other children seemed futile with her. As a toddler, the popular strategy of “redirection,” where you encourage a child to focus on something else instead of a forbidden object, proved ineffective. “No, don’t touch those scissors! How about this toy instead?” would yield no results. She was fixated on the scissors, completely ignoring the alternative.
Conventional parenting techniques may suit many kids, but they failed with my daughter. Yet, she isn’t a “bad” kid. She behaves well in school and reserves most of her resistance for home, which I choose to see as a sign of trust. Most of the time, she’s a joy—brilliant, articulate, and affectionate.
Her passion is evident in everything she loves, whether it’s spending time with family or diving into a new book series in one sitting. At the age of 5, she amazed us by teaching herself how to create PowerPoint presentations. Yet, when things don’t align with her desires, her temper can flare, making her a bit of a hothead who struggles to consider other perspectives.
Now that she’s 8, her strong-willed nature has become somewhat more manageable. Every stubborn child has unique traits, and there isn’t a universal solution. However, here are some approaches that have made a difference for us:
1. Involve Your Strong-Willed Child in Decision-Making.
When we anticipate resistance, we try to give her a sense of agency. For instance, when establishing an allowance system, we collaborated on responsibilities, even typing a list together. While we maintained the final say, she felt included in the process, giving her a sense of control.
2. Avoid Comparisons to Other Children.
Different kids respond to reasoning in various ways. Just because your child is less compliant than another doesn’t indicate a failure on your part. My strong-willed daughter entered the world with determination—legs kicking and jaw set. That’s simply who she is.
3. Recognize Their Potential for Future Success.
Many strong-willed children evolve into assertive, confident adults. Think of future leaders, activists, or entrepreneurs. It can be overwhelming when your budding change-maker is still navigating childhood, but this trait is a valuable asset.
4. Offer Plenty of Unconditional Love and Encouragement.
My stubborn child is also my most sensitive one. She often doesn’t seek out affection, so I make it a point to shower her with love—sometimes even resorting to playful wrestling to get those silly kisses. When her behavior is particularly challenging, I find that dedicating extra one-on-one time can work wonders.
5. Keep Your Own Frustration in Check.
The more I react intensely during conflicts, the more escalated they become. It’s easy to feel exasperated, but managing your emotional responses is crucial. Practices like mindfulness and meditation have helped maintain my sanity. And let’s face it, a little humor (or wine) can go a long way. Remember, some of that stubbornness might just come from one of us parents—so, a little empathy can help.
As my daughter approaches her tween and teen years, I anticipate that new challenges will arise, requiring fresh strategies. Nevertheless, my hope is that she continues to see her parents as a safe space, where she can navigate her boundaries and principles. Like any parent, I aim to teach her how to handle her intense emotions while ensuring that she knows she is unconditionally loved for the vibrant, fierce, and thoughtful individual she is—strong-willed spirit and all.
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Summary:
Parenting a strong-willed child can be challenging, but fostering their sense of autonomy, avoiding comparisons, recognizing their potential, providing unconditional love, and managing your own frustration are key strategies that can help navigate this journey.