Embracing motherhood has always been my dream — to nurture, love, and guide my child through life’s adventures. I hoped to provide everything from basic needs to deeper lessons about values and discipline. However, my journey has been complicated by my experience with type 2 bipolar disorder, which has turned the parenting experience into a significant challenge. Not only have I faced my own struggles, but my son has felt the impact too. This realization fills me with guilt. As therapist Laura Mitchell aptly puts it, “Depression is a cruel thief. It robs you of the enthusiasm and energy essential for being a present parent while distorting your perception of reality.”
1. The Exhaustion
There are days when the weight of fatigue is overwhelming, making my bed feel like the only refuge. Instead of engaging with my family, I find myself retreating into sleep. I remember a poignant moment when my son was in fifth grade. After a day out with my mother, she mentioned it was time to head home for a nap. My son immediately replied, “I know,” looking at me. It struck me then that he understood I was the one who needed to rest, not him. He has witnessed countless instances where I chose the comfort of sleep over family interaction, and it has become a coping mechanism for me.
2. The Absence of Motivation
On many days, the desire to engage in any activity simply vanishes. Even when I muster the effort to stay awake, I often find myself lost in a TV show or scrolling through my phone, ignoring everything around me. A mental checklist of chores and responsibilities plays in my head, but the cloud of depression makes even the simplest tasks feel monumental. My son would often have to fend for himself when it came to meals — cereal, chips, or whatever he could find became staples on days when my husband couldn’t help.
3. The Best Intentions Gone Awry
A mother should ideally be tuned into her child’s academic life. I had every intention of keeping track of my son’s schoolwork and progress, but my motivation would fizzle out within days. I longed for shared experiences like movie nights, family dinners, and board games, but when depression hit, I would retreat again, leaving my son to entertain himself. This lack of engagement has led to him developing a strong affinity for video games, while his curiosity and exploration of other interests have sadly dwindled.
4. The Irritability
My husband and son have often borne the brunt of my unpredictable irritability. It felt like I had a short fuse, where even minor inconveniences would trigger an outburst. These moments of frustration were often intertwined with anxiety, and the aftermath would leave me needing to escape — usually by isolating myself in a room or retreating back to bed. I worry about how these moments affect my son and his emotional development. Studies indicate that “a mother’s mental health can significantly influence her child’s social and cognitive growth.” I can’t help but ponder how my struggles may have contributed to the challenges he faces.
As I navigate my parenting journey, I strive to be the mother my son deserves. My bipolar disorder is managed with medication and therapy, yet there remains no cure. Time is limited, with just four years until he graduates high school, and I fear he may look back and feel disappointment at what could have been with a mentally healthy mom. I am determined to reclaim the time we have left and make the most of our remaining years together.
For those navigating similar paths, I recommend checking out resources on fertility and parenting, such as WebMD’s insights on IUI success and Make A Mom’s guide on fertility supplements. Additionally, for a cozy fall family recipe that can bring everyone together, visit Intracervical Insemination’s delightful okra recipe.
In summary, my journey as a mother has been profoundly shaped by my bipolar disorder, impacting my energy levels, motivation, interactions, and emotional responses. Despite these challenges, I am committed to being present for my son and making the most of the time we have.