I absolutely adore my birthday, and even more, I cherish the gifts that come with it. My husband and friends have learned that I can be quite discerning (or picky, if you will) when it comes to presents. Thus, they always request a wishlist from me each year. While it may take away some of the surprise, it also spares me from the awkwardness of pretending to be thrilled—like that time in middle school when my mom gifted me a fluorescent green jacket with purple and black accents (#neverforget), leaving me to question if she truly understood my style.
This year, I’ve curated a detailed list of items, experiences, and minor miracles I’d love to receive after extinguishing the candles on my gluten-free Black Forest cake, topped with real whipped cream, of course.
- A person dedicated to backing up my phone weekly so that when I inevitably drop it in the toilet and take it to the Apple Store in a rice-filled Ziploc bag, the tech support “genius” doesn’t scold me with, “What do you mean you didn’t back it up?”
- The ability to crouch or climb stairs without my knees sounding like a historic battlefield.
- The freedom to merge into traffic without whipping my head around like I’m in a horror movie.
- An end to breakouts.
- When I say “Goodnight” to my daughter, I wish she’d give me a thumbs-up and fall asleep rather than launching into a lengthy story about her day.
- Self-cleaning pillowcases would be amazing. I often forget to wash the linens, and nothing beats the smell of fresh bedding instead of my hair musk from the last month.
- Just a modest B cup, no surgeries or pregnancies required.
- Lipstick that stays on my lips and doesn’t wander down my chin, making me look like I just kissed a circus performer.
- Zero-calorie cheese. I can even handle a slight risk of mishaps.
- No more nightmares about high school.
- Candles that create the illusion of cleanliness in our apartment.
- A Roomba-like gadget that silently roams around collecting glitter and crumbs—my daughter’s biggest contributions to the household.
- Every time I purchase alcohol, I want to be checked for ID. I might feign irritation, but inside, I’ll be doing a victory dance.
- More reality shows featuring shirtless men fixing things around the house.
- An app that alerts me when “teachable moments” with my child are about to happen.
- A lot more hugs. I truly appreciate long, full-body hugs, just don’t let go prematurely.
- An hour in a bounce house all to myself—just in case I have an accident.
- A bubble bath without any surprise floating hair.
- Two uninterrupted bathroom breaks, each lasting up to 30 minutes.
- An app that reminds me of upcoming birthdays so I can always be the thoughtful friend.
- The enduring superpower of healing all boo-boos with a kiss.
- Three pairs of jeans that fit perfectly, even during those weeks of indulging in Chicago Mix popcorn for dinner.
- The courage to answer calls from unfamiliar numbers.
- The ability to deliver the perfect comeback when someone is rude to me.
- A signature scent crafted from a perfume oil so captivating it causes people to stop and ask for a kiss on the spot.
- The capacity to enjoy multiple glasses of wine without suffering the next morning.
- No gray hair anywhere on my body.
- A brand of cheese sticks that doesn’t require a PhD to unwrap.
- An impromptu weekend getaway with my husband—just no camping, please.
- Salted caramel everything.
- The talent to apply eyeliner without looking like I asked my child for help.
- An Uber-like service for school drop-offs and pickups (with payment in unwrapped cheese sticks).
- Instagram should be blocked for the two hours before bedtime to prevent late-night scrolling.
- No more family dinners (I realize this may be a tall order).
- Microwave popcorn that doesn’t yield a few pieces of perfection alongside a host of scalding hot kernels.
- Skin that can transition seasons without becoming as dry as an old beach house.
- An end to crow’s feet.
- For all my loved ones to live forever, or at least outlive me because I can’t bear to think of life without them.
It may seem like a hefty wishlist, but as I approach a milestone, I can’t afford to be shy about my desires. Flexibility is key; I would settle for just one uninterrupted bathroom visit, as long as I can bring my phone, snacks, and a book without a time limit.
You reach a certain age where you start thinking about everything, don’t you?
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