After 12 years of parenting three children, I’ve honed the art of family dinners into just 38 straightforward steps. Here’s how to navigate the chaos:
- Dash home from work, hitting just the right speed to catch every green light while avoiding any police attention.
- Start preparing the chicken.
- Discover you’re out of salt. Compensate with extra pepper.
- Set out chicken, buns, cheese, and grilling tools outside for your partner.
- Pull out carrots, cucumber, and lettuce for the salad.
- Notice there’s only a quarter of a cucumber left.
- Mental shake your fist at your partner for indulging in last night’s gin and tonics.
- Find croutons in the cabinet since they can add crunch in place of cucumber.
- Prepare the salad.
- Rescue your toddler from the floor after he dramatically flops down upon seeing a lettuce leaf.
- Start negotiating with the toddler: three bites of salad equals one Popsicle.
- Successfully get salad, chicken, and milk to the table along with the toddler.
- Sit down and begin to eat.
- Get back up to cut the chicken into smaller pieces for the toddler.
- Return to retrieve more ketchup after the toddler devoured the initial serving with a spoon.
- Ask your partner about their day.
- Calm the toddler down by explaining that those black specks on the chicken aren’t pepper but tiny chocolate bits.
- When the screaming reaches a volume that makes the dog bark, scrape off the pepper and cheese from the chicken. Yesterday, he loved cheese; today, it’s an enemy.
- Sit back down and take a sip of wine.
- Inform the toddler that he is not finished with his meal. Three bites of bun dipped in ketchup isn’t sufficient nutrition.
- Explain that no Popsicle will be awarded for failure to eat three bites of both salad and chicken.
- Patiently wait while he counts on his fingers to figure out six bites.
- Settle for five bites since he holds up five fingers and insists that’s enough. Genius-level negotiation skills should be acknowledged!
- Clarify that merely licking the chicken does not count as a bite.
- Glance at your partner, struggling to remember if they shared how their day was.
- Agree with the toddler that two croutons and one carrot can count as three bites of salad.
- Grab a wet napkin to clean up the carrot that the toddler chewed, then spat onto the dog.
- Sit down and take a bite of your now-cold chicken.
- Get up again to fetch the third serving of ketchup for the toddler.
- Threaten the toddler with the absence of Thomas the Train before bedtime if he doesn’t eat his chicken.
- Hand over the iPad for some Thomas viewing while he finishes his chicken.
- Take another bite of chicken and realize it’s cold and overly peppered.
- Discard the food and refill your wine glass.
- Retrieve a Popsicle for the toddler, justifying it as equivalent to two bites of chicken.
- Kindly ask the toddler to place his plate in the sink.
- Retrieve the plate from the garbage and put it in the sink instead.
- Discover the missing salt shaker in the trash.
- Congratulate yourself on surviving another family meal. Just 7,143 more to go!
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Summary:
Navigating family dinners can be a chaotic endeavor, but with these 38 simple steps, you can master the art of mealtime. From prepping ingredients to negotiating with toddlers, each step is a blend of patience, creativity, and humor. Remember, every meal is a step closer to mastering family life.