While I don’t demand much on Mother’s Day, a few sweet kisses from my little ones and a handmade card are more than enough to make my day. However, if I were to dream a bit, here’s a list of things I’d love to see on Mother’s Day:
- A wine tap, similar to a beer tap, but dispensing wine instead. How great would that be?
- Just five minutes of silence. Honestly, I’d be grateful for three and a half.
- A bold tattoo on Gwyneth Paltrow’s forehead that says, “I’m better than you.” Let’s just get it over with!
- A massive supply of Magnum caramel center ice cream bars. Actually, could I have a delivery truck full of them parked at my neighbor’s?
- A collective decision among celebrities to stop discussing their anti-science beliefs, particularly regarding vaccines. It would be refreshing if non-doctors would refrain from publishing medical advice too.
- A revival of chubby midsections as the fashion norm—bring back the Renaissance Era!
- A dedicated font for sarcasm. We really need this!
- A “tell-it-like-it-is” font. As someone who writes online, I could definitely use that.
- A Facebook filter to block all the momtrepreneurs selling their products. I really don’t need any more face cream or candles, thanks!
- For women to embrace their wrinkles and realize that facial expressions serve a purpose. Let’s put the Botox industry out of business!
- Stylish heels that don’t feel like I’m walking on stilts. Is it just me?
- A simple “thank you” every once in a while would be nice. Just two little words.
- Fat-burning cake. How is this still not a thing?
- Parents without children should stop giving unsolicited parenting advice. It’s as absurd as getting dating tips from a virgin.
- Legalized sleeping pills for toddlers. Isn’t this a no-brainer?
- A robot that collects all the toys in a toddler’s room at night and hides them. See point 15.
- Extra-large diaper wipes, the size of paper towels. They’d be perfect for cleaning everything from baby bottoms to kitchen counters. Bonus if they smell like lemon or fresh linen!
- A cartoon dedicated solely to teaching children to be quiet. How has no one thought of this yet?
- A housekeeper. My grandmother would be rolling in her grave!
- A weight-loss program that allows for wine and Goldfish crackers. I could totally manage that!
- A Twitter filter to block anyone tweeting about exercise instead of coffee. Who even are these people?
- A wish for Gisele to gain 75 pounds. She clearly doesn’t understand the realities of pregnancy weight.
- Famous wealthy mothers need to stop saying how tough motherhood is. We get it; it can be challenging, but come on!
- A foot massage that lasts longer than a minute and a half. Why bother if it’s that brief?
- The anticipated release of “My Descent Out Of Hell – Memories From a Tiger Mom Cub.” You know it’s coming.
- Research proving that mothers who occasionally drink and swear raise the happiest kids. It could be true!
- Know-it-all parents should quit writing open letters criticizing others’ parenting. Seriously, enough is enough.
- The ability to look fabulous in white jeans. I know it’s not practical with little ones, but a girl can dream.
- The end of “what not to say to a pregnant woman/new mom” lists. They’re suffocating!
- Women who have children later in life should be celebrated as “smart and ready” rather than being labeled “advanced maternal age.” Who’s calling us old?
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In summary, this humorous yet relatable list captures the wishes many mothers have for Mother’s Day, blending practicality with a touch of fantasy. From the desire for peace and quiet to the absurdities of societal expectations, it resonates with the experiences of mothers everywhere.