Arguments can escalate quickly over trivial matters, like whose responsibility it is to do the laundry. Before you realize it, a minor disagreement turns into a heated dispute, and both parties are left feeling miserable—often forgetting what sparked the argument in the first place. My grandmother always reminded me, “It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it.” Subtle shifts in your language can make a significant difference in how the other person receives your message, either provoking defensiveness or fostering understanding.
Dr. Peter Harmon, a noted psychologist, has dedicated his career to exploring effective communication strategies that minimize conflict and enhance connections. Drawing inspiration from his acclaimed book, Compassionate Communication, here are three statements to steer clear of during disagreements—and healthier alternatives to consider.
1. “Your issue is that you are… (selfish, lazy, ridiculous).”
It’s all too easy to cast judgment on others. We might label a coworker as “unreasonable” for assigning a challenging task, or call a driver “an idiot” for cutting us off in traffic. When a partner seeks more affection, they may be labeled “clingy.” However, when we want more attention, we might deem them “indifferent.” Dr. Harmon describes these as moralistic judgments, which imply that others are wrong or inferior for not aligning with our values. Such remarks often exacerbate conflicts, leading to defensiveness rather than resolution. No one responds positively to, “Your issue is that you’re lazy!” Instead, consider that judgments mask our own values and needs. For instance, saying “You’re so clingy!” may really mean “I need more personal space.”
2. “You make me feel… (angry, sad, undervalued).”
In moments of frustration, it’s common to state that someone “makes us feel” a certain way. If they don’t provide enough attention, we might claim, “You make me sad.” But the truth is, our feelings originate from within. Dr. Harmon suggests that expressing emotions in this manner denies us responsibility for how we feel. While another’s actions may trigger our emotions, they do not dictate them. Instead of blaming, we can reflect on our unmet desires—like wanting supportive relationships—which contribute to our emotional responses. Recognizing this shift can help us better understand our feelings.
3. “You should… (help more, be more attentive, stop being so critical).”
When we feel others are falling short, we often resort to “should” statements: you should do more chores, you should listen better. Dr. Harmon criticizes this as “expressing needs as demands.” Such phrasing can alienate the listener, making them feel criticized rather than motivated. Have you ever felt good after being told you “should” do something? Most likely not. It’s more empowering to act out of a desire to assist rather than fulfilling an obligation.
What to Say Instead
When emotions run high, it’s easy to point fingers at others for their traits, actions, or perceived shortcomings. This focus on blame diverts attention from our true feelings and needs. Dr. Harmon proposes a four-step communication model to help refocus the conversation:
- Describe the Situation: “I noticed it’s been a while since you did the laundry.” Avoid judgmental statements like, “You’re lazy; you never do the laundry.”
- Express Your Feelings: “When I handle all the chores, I feel overwhelmed.” Instead of saying, “You make me feel overwhelmed because you don’t help.”
- Identify Your Needs: “I’d really appreciate more help around the house.” Rather than accusing, “You never help me.”
- Make a Request: “If you could pitch in with the chores a bit more, I’d feel much more supported.” Avoid demands like, “You should help out more often.”
Of course, it’s easier said than done to avoid judgment, blame, and “should” statements, especially when emotions are heightened. Taking a moment to breathe and reflect on your response can significantly enhance your communication skills.
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In summary, avoiding harmful phrases during disagreements can foster healthier communication. Focus on expressing your feelings and needs without placing blame, and you’ll likely find more constructive resolutions.