Many adults still categorize children as either boys or girls, leading to an exclusionary mindset that can be isolating for those who don’t fit neatly into these categories. My child, Jamie, who once identified as a boy, approached my partner and me a few years ago with a surprising revelation: they no longer wanted to be recognized as a boy. With long hair and an affinity for bright colors, Jamie had often been mistaken for a girl, but that never seemed to bother them. When we asked if they preferred to be called a girl instead, Jamie simply replied, “No, I’m neither.” Three years later, Jamie proudly identifies as non-binary.
Before Jamie expressed their non-binary identity, they were diagnosed with autism. Initially, I intended to write about the challenges of raising a child with autism, but Jamie had other ideas. “Being non-binary is tougher than having autism,” they insisted. This statement was a revelation for me. As Jamie navigates the complexities of both identities, they firmly believe that defying gender norms presents the biggest challenges in their life.
As a parent, I continue to learn about what being gender-neutral means for Jamie and how marginalization affects non-binary youth. The expressions they encounter daily often require quick and confident responses. I asked Jamie to share three key points they wish everyone understood about being a non-binary child, and here’s what they conveyed.
1. Being Gender-Neutral Can Feel Isolating
In a world where classrooms are divided into “boys” and “girls,” and where gendered bathrooms abound, non-binary children can experience profound loneliness. Jamie once posed a question to a substitute teacher about the absence of a non-binary line during a class lineup, leaving the teacher perplexed. While lining up with the boys, Jamie remarked, “If there was a non-binary side, I would be the only one.”
It’s crucial to recognize that transgender and gender non-conforming (TGNC) youth are not alone in their experiences. Studies indicate that more children are identifying as transgender or rejecting the traditional binary framework altogether. However, research reveals a troubling reality: TGNC children often face greater mental health challenges compared to their cisgender peers. Daniel Shumer, an expert in transgender medicine, emphasizes the need for educational and medical institutions to broaden their understanding of gender to support these children effectively.
2. Coming Out as Gender Non-Conforming Requires Courage
For many kids, rejecting traditional gender norms can be intimidating. Jamie openly shared, “I feel anxious wearing skirts to school because most see me as a boy, and I fear ridicule.” Despite this, wearing skirts at home brings them joy. The challenges faced by gender non-conforming kids can be severe, with a significant percentage experiencing depression, anxiety, and feeling unsafe in their educational environments. Alarmingly, studies show that TGNC kids without parental support face increased risks of self-harm and homelessness.
It is our collective responsibility to create a safe, supportive environment for all children. “I understand the fear people have,” Jamie articulated. “Nobody wants to be laughed at. But it’s essential to be true to yourself, regardless of others’ opinions.”
3. Our Existence Is Valid
One of the most common questions Jamie encounters is, “Are you a boy or a girl?” While many youngsters are simply trying to understand, it can be exhausting for Jamie to repeatedly clarify their gender identity. Some peers even persistently corner them for a definitive answer, as though there are only two valid options. Jamie explained, “For non-binary kids, gender is a box we don’t fit into.”
It’s our duty as adults to teach the next generation that gender is not binary and that it’s perfectly acceptable for someone not to identify strictly as a boy or girl. I’ve come to realize that navigating ambiguous gender identities can be just as challenging for adults as for children. The discomfort of not knowing someone’s gender pales in comparison to the struggle faced by individuals who must constantly justify their identity.
“I wish people wouldn’t ask,” Jamie shared. “It doesn’t matter to anyone else.” When pressed for a label, Jamie has a clever retort: “Does it matter?”
As Jamie’s parent, my foremost concern is their happiness and well-being. When they first expressed their non-binary identity, I worried about the emotional turmoil they might be facing. Seeking guidance from a professional who understands autism, I received invaluable advice: “You cannot dictate Jamie’s gender identity. Your only job is to love and support them unconditionally.”
Our role as parents is to create a nurturing atmosphere for our children, allowing them to explore their gender identity without fear or shame. Understanding gender diversity is crucial for fostering a more accepting world for all children. According to Shumer, promoting awareness about how youth express gender is essential for improving health outcomes in the TGNC community.
To all non-binary and gender non-conforming youth, Jamie’s message is clear: “You’re perfectly fine as you are. There’s nothing wrong with you. What others think doesn’t matter.” As the parent of a non-binary child, I hope we can all strive for kindness and understanding.
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Summary
Navigating a gender-diverse world can be especially challenging for non-binary youth. Jamie, my non-binary child, wishes others understood the loneliness, courage, and validity that comes with their identity. As parents and adults, it’s our responsibility to create an inclusive environment that supports all children, regardless of where they fall on the gender spectrum. Love and support are paramount.