Hello there! I received your friend request on Wednesday, and despite only having a vague recollection of you from high school, I clicked accept. Not long after, I was added to your “Super Spectacular Uniquely Scented Thirty-One Thrive Jamberry Extravaganza!” Facebook group. Oh, joy.
Yes, me and 400 of your closest pals.
Let’s be real — NO. You seemed friendly, or at least you did for those fleeting seconds, so I’ll be blunt: I’m not interested in the stuff you’re selling. Whether it’s jewelry, skincare, or lifestyle products, I’m out. Before you get upset, let me explain. I’ve been there; I’ve spent my money. I used to be accommodating and said “yes” to all the offers. But you know what follows? It. Never. Ends. I’m done. I don’t even buy from my genuine friends anymore, so kindly keep your pitches away from me.
I get it! You’re looking for independence and a way to earn cash from home. I genuinely applaud that you’ve found a community, or as you call it, a “sisterhood.” It sounds like you’ve joined a delightful company. Just please, keep me and my wallet out of it.
If I receive one more Facebook group invitation, I might lose my mind. Seriously, what’s with all these groups? Am I your friend or merely a potential sale? No means no. I refuse to attend yet another neighborhood gathering where I have to make small talk with someone I probably cut off in the carpool line earlier. And please don’t guilt me into purchasing another purse that I won’t ever use, especially after I’ve stress-eaten your spicy Buffalo chicken dip. Trust me, telling me there will be “plenty of drinks” isn’t a draw. I can enjoy my beverages at home, without pants. And I can assure you, I’m not putting on a bra for this.
You know who never demands pants from me? Amazon Prime.
No, I’m not interested in “just trying” your free samples. I have zero desire for a fajita pan or turquoise decor. No one wears that much turquoise unless they’re planning on retiring in Santa Fe. I’m definitely not trying on clothes using your hallway as a fitting room. A crowd of chatty women combined with 30 different scented candles? Hard pass.
You lost 30 pounds on that shake program? Great for you. But let’s be honest; those shakes taste like sadness in a cup. Rubbing oil on my neck isn’t going to magically cure my thyroid issues. And are you a doctor now, too? Because your Ford Escape doesn’t scream “medical professional.”
Also? I don’t want those 3-D lashes. Your look resembles a tarantula exhibit. There, I said it! Someone had to. “It Works!” Really? If that body wrap worked for you, fantastic. You know what else works? Spanx. Just ordered some online. Pantsless. Boom.
I’m not trying your skincare regimen. I won’t be giving it 30 days. I could smear Elmer’s glue on my face for that long and still see a difference with some Photoshop skills. I’m sticking with my trusty Olay from the grocery store. Now I have to be a stealth shopper, avoiding you in the feminine care aisle while dodging your “amazing opportunity” to host another one of these events. Please, for the love of all that is holy, just stop talking about your multi-level marketing scheme, okay?
But the real issue that bothers me isn’t the products or the parties themselves; it’s the way you exploit friendships to recruit new members. You’re selling your friends, plain and simple. The entire thing has the vibe of a coconut-scented pyramid scheme, regardless of how appealing it looks. This is just my perspective, of course; I could be mistaken. In fact, I’d love to hear your success stories and how the money is flowing! How much have you spent? How happy are you as a “super successful mompreneur”? I’ll try not to roll my eyes every time I hear that term.
No rush — just call me when you return from your all-expenses-paid Hawaiian getaway.
In conclusion, if I receive one more Jamberry party invite, I might just have to “Jamberry” my foot where the sun doesn’t shine.
So, that’s all for now. Goodbye!
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Summary: In this humorous take, Jenna expresses her frustrations with MLMs and the overzealous sales tactics of acquaintances on social media. She highlights the discomfort of being added to groups and receiving constant sales pitches while emphasizing the importance of genuine friendships over financial gain.