Next time your little one’s antics make you contemplate resigning from family meals in favor of cereal, remember that their behavior stems from their understanding of toddler etiquette rather than a lack of manners. Here are 25 essential rules your toddler might abide by during dinner:
- Dress Down – Make a statement by arriving at the table in a more casual attire. Missing a sock, shoe, or shirt is ideal; for formal occasions, add extra stickers.
- Invite a Friend – Bring a beloved toy to the table. If necessary, create a hostage situation until your request for a plus-one is acknowledged.
- Exhibit Patience – Wait for seating arrangements to be finalized before claiming another chair or lap.
- Posture Matter – You know you’re sitting properly when you’re standing on your chair.
- Order First – Start the ordering process long before dinner, and keep it going until you’re fast asleep.
- Napkin No-No – Napkins should find their way to the floor. Crumple and toss it, or let it elegantly drift down if it’s a formal meal.
- Bathroom Breaks – Just when dinner is about to commence, announce a need to go to the bathroom.
- Table Crawling – Skip reaching across and opt to crawl across the table instead.
- Utensil Handling – Hold your spoon, fork, or spork like a drumstick for optimal banging on the table.
- Food Envy – Politely declare that everyone else’s food looks better, and request to sample it, escalating to force if necessary.
- Business Talk – If you’ve eaten most of your meal or are pretending to listen, negotiate for dessert and additional privileges like extended playtime or a late bedtime.
- Face Cleanup – Use your arm to wipe your face clean, but allow your nose to run freely.
- One Bite at a Time – Attempt to consume your meal in a single bite. If the taste is questionable, find someone to catch it before it’s expelled.
- Open-Mouth Eating – Keep your mouth open while chewing to ensure everyone knows you’re eating.
- Sympathize with Loss – If a utensil goes missing, make sure it’s by throwing it under the table or across the room.
- Timeliness – Choose between devouring food at lightning speed or not eating at all.
- Feeding Technique – Present your utensil to your mouth rather than lowering your head, maximizing the chances of spills.
- Food Gestures – Use your cutlery to create a spectacular food display, ensuring some makes its way off the plate.
- Send Back a Course – Always return at least one course. If it’s not to your liking, toss it or launch it with your spoon.
- Request Multiple Courses – Seven courses? Only a light snack. Expect to eat just a bite of everything.
- Self-Butter – Refuse assistance while buttering your bread, opting to use ketchup instead.
- Spill for Friends – Ensure at least half of your drink ends up on the floor; your imaginary pet will appreciate it.
- Save Your Leftovers – Ask someone to keep your uneaten food, but never actually consume it later.
- Stay Low – Once you leave the table, remain underneath it and evade adult reach.
- Chef Appreciation – Insist that the chef (probably your mother or father) is the only one qualified to hold you, and make them do so indefinitely.
While your toddler may currently adhere strictly to these whimsical rules, there’s hope that they’ll one day adopt the basic tenets of dinner table manners. Until that day comes, enjoy some sweet treats while they’re asleep as a form of payback.
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Summary
This article humorously outlines the playful yet chaotic dining etiquette that toddlers often exhibit, providing a light-hearted perspective for parents dealing with mealtime challenges.