As I hurried downstairs, hastily putting on an earring and mentally running through the details I needed to share with the babysitter, I spotted my 3-year-old son, Lucas, quietly seated on the couch. His usual excitement for an impending visit from his favorite sitter was replaced with a weary demeanor and flushed cheeks, indicating that something was amiss. A closer look revealed his glassy eyes, slumped posture, and frown. When the babysitter knocked, and my partner went to greet her, I realized our evening plans were officially off.
Kids really have a knack for derailing everything, don’t they?
Despite my husband still compensating the sitter, I carried my feverish son upstairs, watching my hopes for a fun night fade away. The fragrance of my perfume lingered in the air while I bathed him and tucked him into bed, and I didn’t even bother to remove my makeup as I flopped onto the couch in annoyance, clad in sweatpants.
It’s as if kids possess a special radar for ruining plans and know the perfect moment to start throwing up. You can barely step out the door before your phone buzzes with the babysitter’s name, announcing a sudden bout of projectile vomiting all over the living room. It’s exasperating.
We’ve all been in that position—seeing that phone light up and wondering for a fleeting moment whether to answer. Who hasn’t thought about saying, “Oops! I completely missed your message!”? If you haven’t, you’re definitely not being honest.
Here’s a list of actual phrases I’ve found myself saying to babysitters and school nurses:
- “Is there any actual vomit?” Without measurable evidence of sickness, I’m not rushing home.
- “Ugh, I should have given him more Tylenol before sending him off.” Reminder: Set a Tylenol alert on my phone.
- “Can’t you just give him an ice pack and let him return to class?” Ice packs are the universal solution, right?
- “Just give him some water; he’ll be okay.” Seriously, hydration solves everything.
- “Do you have any surgical glue on hand? Stitches are such a hassle.” Who has time for a long ER visit for a trivial cut?
- “Can I speak to her?” Things are about to get serious.
- “Is there blood gushing from his eyeballs?” If not, he’s heading back to class.
- “Is he on fire? Like, with flames?” Same deal as number seven.
- “Lunch is in an hour; she’s probably just hungry.” Oh no, her lunch is still on the counter.
- “How deep is the cut, really?” Let’s get straight to the point here.
- “If I run him to the doctor quickly, can I return him to school?” That yoga class fills up fast!
- “Can he lie down for a bit?” Who doesn’t enjoy a nap?
- “Hi, just got him home, and his fever is gone. Can he come back now?” Perfect timing to hit the grocery store.
- “Oh, it’s not lice; just dandruff.” Otherwise, I might have to incinerate everything.
- “The tooth fairy will handle that tonight. Please send her back to class.” That’s exactly what those cute little tooth chests are for.
- “How much pee actually got on his pants? Are his socks wet?” If his socks are soaked, I’ll bring a change of clothes. I’m not a total monster.
- “Honey, do you mind if I still go out? He hasn’t vomited in an hour. You’ve got this, right?” Translation: I’m feeling like a caged animal and need a breather.
- “He hasn’t thrown up since he got home. Can I bring him back?” I just want to buy some toilet paper in peace.
- “Tell him to blow his nose hard; it’ll unclog his ears.” Call me Mom MacGyver.
- “No, his eyes were perfectly fine when he left for school this morning.” After I cleaned out the gunk, of course.
- “I’ll be over in ten minutes with cough medicine.” That cough will linger for days without a reason to miss math class.
- “Honestly, an ice pack should do the trick.” Just get the kid an ice pack already.
- “He’s fine; he just doesn’t like the substitute teacher.” True story.
- “Just slap a Band-Aid on her; I’ll deal with it later, thanks!” Band-Aids are a mom’s best ally.
- “Can you call his dad, please?” Tag, you’re it!
While it may seem I’m unsympathetic when my kids are feeling unwell, that’s not entirely accurate. I’m the first to leap to their side when they genuinely need me, comforting them through fevers and aches. But if a child calls from the nurse’s office complaining about a sore throat or a “hurty sock,” this mom is keeping it real—those kids are staying at school or the sitter isn’t leaving just yet.
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In summary, every parent has their own set of phrases they resort to when their kids get sick. The blend of humor and reality in these statements reveals the underlying desire for a bit of personal time amidst the chaos of parenting.