20 Insights I Wish I Had Before Pursuing Adoption

At home insemination

Like an expectant mother blissfully unaware of the rigors of labor, my partner and I sat through numerous adoption workshops, exchanging knowing smiles. “Our experience will be different,” those smiles conveyed. But, as it turns out, we weren’t immune to the challenges that lay ahead. Now, over a decade into our parenting journey—with two children adopted and one biological—I’ve compiled a list of insights I wish I had before we embarked on this path:

1. Adoption is an incredible way to build a family.
2. Regardless of how straightforward or ideal your adoption process may appear, it inherently involves loss. Even if you are one of the fortunate few to receive a baby straight from the hospital, your child will grapple with feelings of loss related to their birth family. You will feel the absence of having carried your child, and medical history might be elusive. Emotional challenges related to adoption can surface, even if they aren’t immediately visible.
3. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who will honor the rituals associated with forming a family. The two baby showers we received made us feel validated as a family, countering the messages that might suggest otherwise.
4. Some individuals will perceive your family differently. Our initial social worker, who was expecting a child herself, often implied that we were merely playing house. During a home visit, she suggested we shouldn’t prepare a nursery, stating, “You might not get one.” When I inquired if she had a nursery ready, she smugly replied, “Yes, but mine’s a sure thing.” That stung.
5. Budget significantly more than what the agency estimates for adoption expenses. Having extra funds available can be a relief, and if you don’t need them, they can go towards a college fund!
6. Ensure you have a warm welcome waiting for you when bringing your child home. If you adopt internationally, have friends or family ready to greet you at the airport. If you’re coming from a hospital or foster home, arrange for loved ones to visit and celebrate your new arrival. Trust me; this is essential. When we returned from Haiti, we encountered an empty airport, and the moment didn’t feel special at all.
7. Most inquiries about your children come from a place of genuine curiosity or interest in adoption. Some may be considering adopting, while others are grandparents eager for a grandchild. Approach these questions with kindness, extending the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise.
8. You will, on occasion, meet individuals with ill intentions. It’s perfectly acceptable to decline to answer their questions or, in extreme cases, respond with a pointed inquiry of your own. One woman asked me, “Where did you get those kids, and how much were they?” I turned it back on her with, “Are you thinking about adoption?” When she replied negatively, I shot back with, “What about your kids? How did you conceive them?” The other shoppers applauded my response.
9. Honor your child’s heritage and family of origin. It’s crucial to be honest when discussing their background, especially if it comes with significant challenges, all while maintaining respect.
10. If your motivation for adopting stems from a desire to “save” a child from their background, reconsider your decision. This mindset lacks love and dignity, stripping the child of their identity.
11. Understand from the outset that this journey is long-term. If your child develops in unexpected ways, embrace your role as their parent. Adoption can be complex, and the scars from past experiences can lead to challenging behaviors. If you wouldn’t “return” a biological child with special needs, don’t think of doing the same with an adopted child facing emotional struggles.
12. At some point, likely during their pre-teen years, your child may lash out, demanding their “real” parents in moments of anger. This can be painful to hear.
13. If your child cannot maintain a relationship with their birth family, they may idealize that situation, assuming life with them would be better than their current reality.
14. Scenarios like those mentioned in points 12 and 13—such as a child running away to find their birth family—are common and part of the process.
15. The challenges your child faces will be shaped by their adoption experience, often in ways that are unknown to you. This can be tough for both parent and child.
16. If medical history is lacking, this can be a significant hurdle. Children may struggle with understanding this absence from a young age, leading to feelings of confusion and embarrassment as they grow.
17. Any feelings of loss you may experience for not having carried your child are magnified for them. Acknowledge their deeper sense of loss while you process your own.
18. Many friends and family members may not fully understand the intricate emotions tied to adoption.
19. Seek out those who do comprehend the complexities surrounding adoption.
20. Adoption remains a sensitive topic in many circles. While people may offer insights that seem typical for any child, the nuances of adoption can add layers to these challenges. As an adoptive parent, you’ll need to be an advocate for your child, educating those who may not fully grasp the implications of their words or actions.

If you want to explore more about the journey of adoption, check out our post on couples’ fertility journey. For practical adoption tips, you can also visit this authority on the topic. Additionally, for more resources on pregnancy and home insemination, Cleveland Clinic has excellent information.

In summary, the path to adoption is filled with emotional complexities and unique challenges. By preparing yourself for the realities of this journey, you can better support your child and build a loving, resilient family.