Potty training has certainly not been a smooth journey in our home. While there is plenty of chaos, it doesn’t stem from my husband or me. Instead, it’s the unpredictable emotional outbursts of our 2-year-old little ruler that dictate the course of our days, especially when certain predetermined criteria aren’t fulfilled before she graces the potty with her presence.
After careful observation and a deep dive into the situation, we have compiled 20 specific conditions that must be satisfied for my toddler to successfully use the potty:
- The stars must align perfectly, meaning Mercury should be in retrograde, Jupiter must be rising, and a troublesome moon should also be peeking out.
- The bathroom needs to exude the freshness of a spring meadow, not through artificial scents, but with a rotation of organic herbs, lovingly tied with a piece of periwinkle ribbon.
- Lighting should not surpass 120 watts.
- The temperature in the bathroom should be meticulously maintained between 72.5 and 72.7 degrees. Any steam from showers is strictly forbidden.
- Somewhere within a thousand-mile radius, a virgin sheep must be getting sheared.
- Maintain calmness and avoid direct eye contact while making simple requests like “please avoid peeing on my arm” or “don’t touch that. It’s not what you think.”
- One must predict the choice of potty: the training potty or the full-size one. There’s no guidance, and a wrong guess guarantees a bowel movement within 17 seconds.
- No commercial flights, seagulls, or crows can be present overhead; pigeons and historical aircraft are acceptable.
- Everyone must go sockless.
- An attentive audience of at least four stuffed animals and one living cat is mandatory throughout the entire process.
- It must be the first Tuesday, second Monday, third Saturday, or fourth Friday of any month that ends with a “Y” for potty time to even be contemplated. Rain alters the rules, making only Thursdays viable.
- A deer and an antelope must be frolicking somewhere a buffalo is roaming.
- The library must be closed.
- Organic bananas should be discounted at Whole Foods.
- One-third of all doors in the house must be ajar.
- The kitchen rug should be slightly off-center, turned counter-clockwise.
- No phone calls should occur 15 minutes before or after any potty attempts. Texting, social media browsing, or checking the weather is also strictly prohibited.
- A parent should find themselves in dire need of the restroom at the same time.
- A blood relative must simultaneously discover an unsightly chin hair.
- A double rainbow should arch over a pod of albino dolphins escorting an orphaned beluga whale to its new family.
For more insights, check out Make a Mom. They have fantastic resources for parents navigating similar challenges. Also, visit Intracervical Insemination for expert advice on home insemination, and refer to CDC for valuable information on pregnancy and fertility.
Summary
Potty training can be a unique challenge, often requiring a series of whimsical and specific conditions to be met. From the alignment of celestial bodies to the freshness of the bathroom, every detail matters in the eyes of a toddler. These quirky requirements highlight the humorous and sometimes chaotic nature of parenting.