As your children grow more independent, you find yourself with newfound free time, valuable skills, and a wealth of experience. With encouragement from family and friends, you decide it might be time to venture back into the workforce. You create an impressive four-page resume, invest in a chic beige pantsuit, and secure your first job interview in years.
However, beneath the surface, you’re not quite ready to rejoin the professional world after decades of constant demands on your time. You’ve got a novel to write and a yearning for leisurely cookie breaks—not the kind that happen over the bathroom sink. You’re perfectly content being perceived as a mom who’s not chasing after career ambitions. What you need is a clever way to exit this situation without seeming unmotivated. Follow these 19 strategies, and you’re guaranteed to miss out on that job:
- Assume your interviewer will be a young man in his 20s and express your difficulty in taking orders from a woman if that’s the case.
- When asked if you need anything at the start of the interview, reply enthusiastically, “Yes, an iced cappuccino would be delightful!”
- Refer to your interviewer as “Sir,” leaving him to question whether you’re being serious.
- Use outdated terms like typewriter, word processor, and xerox copies in your conversation.
- When asked about your personal strengths and weaknesses, respond with a single word: lasagna.
- Make it clear that while you’re a PTA mom, you’re not the one who spent time on Ashley Madison, and throw in a cheeky wink.
- Present a lengthy list of dates you’ll require off for a lifelong aspiration of following a band like Phish on tour.
- Ask if your interviewer would like to support your son’s baseball fundraiser by purchasing pizza kits.
- Mention that although you don’t speak a foreign language, you can mimic a variety of foreign accents fluently.
- Claim that hosting a candle party counts as outside sales experience.
- Make a point that you would gladly accept a company car—but not one that would ruin your street cred.
- Boast about earning your bachelorette’s degree from a well-regarded university.
- Politely request that vending machines be stocked with gluten-free snacks to accommodate your diet.
- Fabricate imaginative job titles for your resume, like CEO: Chief of Edible Organics or CFO: Cookie Fetching Officer.
- Agree to a drug test, then fidget and bite your nails nervously.
- Drop something under the desk and don’t retrieve it; when he bends down to help, pop your head under and say, “What a coincidence!”
- Wink excessively at your interviewer, trying to keep it from becoming unsettling.
- If dress code is discussed, break into tears.
- Finally, accept the company’s social media policy, then send him a friend request from the parking lot.
If, against all odds, they still offer you the position, you can always claim you’re expecting!
For more insights on navigating difficult situations, check out our article on the home insemination kit. You can also visit Intracervical Insemination for expert guidance on this topic. Additionally, WebMD provides excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary: This article humorously outlines the many ways to sabotage a job interview for those who wish to avoid returning to the workforce. By following these tongue-in-cheek tips, you can ensure you don’t land that job while maintaining a semblance of dignity.