As a parent of two children with disabilities for nearly a decade, I’ve encountered my share of unsolicited advice and well-meaning yet misguided comments. While some remarks can be brushed off, others have prompted me to develop thoughtful responses. At times, I find myself practicing self-control, desperately wanting to shout, “Are you kidding me?”
Certain comments come from strangers, and I welcome the opportunity to educate them. I don’t mind questions; in fact, I appreciate helping others understand disabilities. However, my 12-year-old daughter, who has cerebral palsy, recently expressed her desire for me to either ignore these inquiries or directly tell people that their questions are inappropriate. We’ve come to a mutual understanding about how to address these situations. For instance, when someone asks me, “What’s wrong with her?” I now look at her with exaggerated concern and say, “Sweetheart, are you okay? What’s happening?” Then I turn to the person and ask, “What’s wrong with her? What do you see?” This often leads to an uncomfortable realization for the asker about the insensitivity of their question.
The most painful remarks tend to come from family or close friends, often feeling like an attack on my parenting or dismissing our experiences. Comments like, “You let her spend too much time on the tablet. That’s probably part of the issue,” or “All kids do that. Stop worrying,” are disheartening. While most people mean well, hearing these statements repeatedly can be exhausting.
In a quest for shared experiences, I reached out to fellow parents to gather insights about the remarks they wish to avoid. Here are the top 15 comments that many of us find disheartening:
- “God gives special children to special parents.”
We’re just regular folks doing our best. Caring for a child is a universal parental responsibility, not a mark of specialness. - “But they look fine!”
Disabilities aren’t always visible. This comment undermines the diagnosis and suggests ignorance about the complexities of disabilities. - “That child just needs discipline!”
This implies poor parenting and dismisses the hours spent in therapy and interventions. It’s frustrating to hear that when we’re doing our utmost to help our children thrive. - “I’m sorry.”
While said with good intentions, this suggests that having a child with a disability is a negative experience. Our children are valued and cherished, and we want to celebrate them, not elicit pity. - “He’s on too many medications.”
If a child is prescribed medication, it’s because they genuinely need it. Parents often navigate complex decisions regarding their child’s health, and we don’t owe anyone an explanation. - “She’ll grow out of it.”
Disabilities are often lifelong. Expecting a child to simply outgrow their challenges is unrealistic and dismissive. - “I could never do it.”
If you love your children, you absolutely can. This statement implies that our kids are hard to love, which isn’t true at all. - “Have you thought about a group home?”
This reflects outdated attitudes toward disability. While some families may need such options, we generally want to keep our children at home with support. - “Have you tried giving _______?”
We’ve probably explored various options and remedies out of sheer necessity. If we need suggestions, we’ll ask. - “Didn’t you know before birth?”
This personal question implies we would have made a different choice had we known. It can feel quite offensive and unfair. - “It could be worse; at least they can walk.”
This minimizes our struggles. Just because someone else’s situation seems worse doesn’t invalidate our own experiences. - “He’ll eat when he’s hungry.”
This doesn’t apply to all children. Some may struggle with sensory issues that affect their eating habits. - “My kid does it too.”
This type of comparison belittles our individual experiences and fears. Our situations are unique and deserve acknowledgment. - “God only gives us what we can handle.”
This sentiment is often misinterpreted and can feel dismissive of the true challenges we face. - “Stop using the ‘autism’ card for sympathy.”
Our children’s disabilities aren’t cards to play. We seek understanding and compassion, not pity.
For more information on navigating the complexities of parenting, you can explore resources like CDC’s overview on infertility or check out this insightful article on pregnancy and immigration. If you’re also interested in home insemination, this guide on artificial insemination kits might be helpful.
Summary
Navigating life as a parent of children with disabilities is filled with unexpected challenges and misguided comments. Many remarks, often made with good intentions, can feel dismissive or hurtful. By understanding these common statements, we can foster awareness and compassion towards families like ours.