Having three children has dramatically transformed my body — and my entire way of life. From the bewildering state of my once-familiar anatomy to the pesky varicose vein that seems to get caught on every piece of furniture, there are numerous aspects of myself that feel utterly unrecognizable. Here are the top 10 changes I’ve experienced:
1. My Elephant
You may refer to yours as a vagina, but after taking a brave look with a hand mirror post-birth, I found what looks like a weary elephant staring back at me. Sometimes I have dreams of it trying to stomp me. On particularly rough days, I can almost hear it groaning with fatigue.
2. My Legs
What I once considered legs have morphed into a topographical map that suggests a destination in a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table more times than I can count, and let’s not even discuss the allure of my compression stockings.
3. My Life After 10 P.M.
Late nights used to mean cocktails; now they feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. The idea of going to bed before midnight used to give me anxiety, worried I might miss out on something fun. Now? I get jittery if I’m not in bed by 11 p.m., knowing I’ll be awakened at all hours by little ones.
4. My Stomach
The term “muffin top” is misleading; muffins are delightful and evoke smiles. However, the doughy mass spilling over my waistband does neither. At least it has the benefit of obstructing my view of that pesky varicose vein!
5. My Vehicle
One word: minivan. Or two words? Honestly, I don’t have the time to check. Pre-kids, I would have cared about such details, but my priorities have shifted dramatically.
6. My Dry-Shriveled Carrots
Also known as my breasts. After three years of breastfeeding, I became adept at using one as an impromptu snack for my kids. Now that my breastfeeding days are behind me, they resemble dried-up baby carrots more than anything else.
7. My Right Eye
Am I the only one who has experienced one eye becoming larger than the other after childbirth? I’ve scoured WebMD for answers, but it seems there’s no diagnosis for this oddity. I used to have a somewhat symmetrical face; post-baby No. 3, however, I’ve been told I could audition for a circus.
8. My Wardrobe
I was never a fashionista, but I did manage to leave the house in actual clothes for work each day. Now, my closet consists mainly of sweats and jeans with holes. I can only hope that a funeral doesn’t come up anytime soon, as I have nothing suitable to wear.
9. My Perineum
I was blissfully unaware of my perineum until it was significantly impacted by three vaginal births. Apparently, mine is on the shorter side, leading to some unfortunate tearing. This has resulted in a rather unfortunate situation that I’d rather not elaborate on.
10. My Digestive Schedule
I prided myself on a strict routine — 10 a.m. every day after my second cup of coffee. Post-kids, the rigidity of that schedule is a joke. My bathroom habits seem to only function when I’m out in public with all three children, adding to the chaos.
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In summary, motherhood brings about significant and often bewildering changes to one’s body and lifestyle. From new physical realities to shifts in daily routines, embracing these transformations is a journey all its own.