Before I embarked on the wild journey of parenthood, I was the ultimate expert on child-rearing—at least in theory. I confidently declared what my kids would never do, blissfully unaware of the reality that awaited me. Here’s a look at my pre-parenting vows and how life has hilariously turned them upside down.
-
My children won’t throw fits in public.
I swore my kids would be the paragon of decorum while out. However, the moment we step into a store, you’d think they were auditioning for a horror movie, complete with shrieks and flailing limbs. In those moments, I often find myself asking nearby shoppers if these little monsters are theirs, or whispering, “I’m just the babysitter.” I’ve even been known to commend their impressive tantrum choreography. -
I will never leave the house looking disheveled.
Oh, how naive I was! I often step out with unbrushed hair and no makeup, sometimes forgetting even the basic elements of hygiene. Thankfully, I’ve never forgotten to wear pants—so, there’s that silver lining! -
My kids won’t eat junk food.
My toddlers’ food preferences are a challenge. Getting them to choose anything other than a sticker or crayon feels like a monumental achievement. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that if they choose chicken nuggets over broccoli, I’m ready to celebrate. A daily gummy vitamin helps soothe my parenting guilt. -
My home will be pristine.
Currently, my living room resembles a chaotic toy store explosion, with stuffed animals and clothes strewn about. Cleaning while they’re awake is like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands—utterly futile. I’ve accepted that the only way for my house to be clean is through spontaneous combustion. -
I will never be late.
The moment I need to leave, my children move at a snail’s pace. Getting ready turns into a time warp, where minutes feel like hours. Coats and shoes become a cosmic puzzle, with kids determined to try putting footwear on their heads instead of their feet. -
I won’t negotiate with my kids.
Ah, the art of negotiation! I thought it was a tool for fostering independence, but really, it’s a means to get what I want. For example, if my daughter wants ice cream, she must consume three chicken nuggets first. It’s practically a business deal—though it feels more like bribing. -
I will never allow screen time.
During long winters, when cabin fever sets in, the TV transforms into a crucial lifeline. It magically captivates my kids for at least 15 minutes, allowing me to collect my thoughts—or at least find a moment of peace amid the chaos. -
I won’t get irritated with my children.
Sometimes, I create my own hide-and-seek games that I don’t inform anyone about. I find a cozy spot—like inside the dryer—and indulge in some candy while they search for me. A moment of peace, however brief, is worth the giggles. -
My kids won’t hinder my travels.
A simple trip to Target requires more preparation than a cross-country expedition. If our forefathers had toddlers in tow, they’d have barely made it past the first toy they forgot. We do travel with kids now, but I’m still unpacking those experiences in therapy. -
My kids will listen to me.
I once believed that listening skills would come naturally. Little did I know that they would only hear me when I’m practically yelling like an auctioneer. By the time they respond, I’ve probably sold four tractors at a neighboring farm auction!
Parenthood is perhaps the most humbling experience of my life. It tests every ounce of patience and resilience I possess. Sure, surviving an Alaskan winter while being chased by wolves sounds intense, but nothing compares to the daily adventures of raising kids.
For more insights into home insemination and parenting, check out our blog post on the BabyMaker Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit. You can also explore freezing sperm, an important consideration for family planning. If you’re seeking further information on fertility treatments, ACOG provides excellent resources that are worth reading.
Summary:
In this humorous reflection on the promises made before becoming a parent, the author shares ten declarations that crumbled under the realities of raising children. From public tantrums to negotiating meals, the journey of parenthood is filled with unexpected challenges and lessons.