Moms often discover various strategies for self-preservation. Sometimes this involves inviting a friend over to share life updates, while other times it means sending a quick text to your partner asking them to grab dinner—again. We all have experiences of sneaking away for those precious five minutes of solitude behind a locked bathroom door. Personally, I find my own sanity in a soothing bath, a glass of wine, a heartwarming phone call, a good movie, fixing my hair, going for a run, or indulging in ice cream. However, there are times when embracing the idea of becoming a “Lobotomy Mom” can be incredibly beneficial.
Now, I’m not suggesting a literal lobotomy. The outdated practice of severing brain connections with an ice pick is hardly a popular choice today. The term “Lobotomy Mom” was introduced to me by a therapist who was helping a friend navigate her kids’ constant squabbles. The advice was straightforward: “Stop. Disconnect your brain from the situation. Be a Lobotomy Mom.”
This concept involves temporarily switching off the part of your brain that feels compelled to intervene, protect, or guide your children in their activities. While it sounds challenging, here are ten scenarios where you might want to consider adopting this mindset to preserve your sanity.
- During Sibling Disagreements: I’ve noticed that when my kids bicker without bloodshed, they resolve their conflicts more quickly if I remain silent. Interfering often turns their focus from resolving their issue to trying to convince me of their viewpoint—much like a marriage counselor stepping into a couple’s argument.
- While They Tackle Homework: Since I’ve long since forgotten how to help with their assignments, it’s best if I simply stay out of it. If I try to explain things using my own outdated methods, I’ll only confuse them more.
- When Choosing Outfits: This is the area where I struggle the most to step back. But ultimately, if they choose to look eccentric, that’s on them. I’ve had to learn to let this one go.
- When Cleaning Their Rooms: Kids often clean in ways that leave much to be desired. Yet, if they never get the chance to practice, they’ll never improve.
- When They’re Playing Quietly: Have you ever thought, “It’s so quiet; what are they up to?” If your child is old enough to avoid dangerous situations, like sticking objects into outlets, let them be. I often remind myself of this.
- When They Engage in Slightly Risky Activities: I believe children should have the freedom to climb trees, use pocket knives, and ride bikes down steep hills. If I let my fears dictate their experiences, I’m robbing them of essential life skills.
- When They Struggle to Make Friends on the Playground: Watching your child face rejection can be heartbreaking. While I can provide them with social skills, I cannot create friendships for them. Sometimes, I just need to detach myself emotionally.
- When They Refuse to Wear a Coat: There was a time my son had to sit out during recess for not wearing his coat. He’s never complained about wearing one since—mission accomplished.
- When They’re Being Creative: Kids have the most imaginative minds. If we allow them to express their creativity freely, they’ll surprise us with amazing ideas. We need to resist the urge to dictate how things should look.
- When They’re Completing Tasks You Assigned: Even if they aren’t doing it the way you envisioned, let them go through the process. It’s okay for them to make mistakes; it’s beneficial for both sides.
We could all benefit from mentally disengaging from our kids at times, and I’m committed to being a “Lobotomy Mom” more frequently. Allowing them to navigate their challenges could encourage independence, and in turn, we may rediscover aspects of our lives beyond motherhood. By preserving our identities, we become more equipped to support our children.
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Summary:
Moms can benefit from temporarily disengaging from their children’s activities to maintain their mental well-being. By allowing kids to navigate conflicts, homework, and social situations independently, moms can foster resilience in their children while preserving their own identities.