-
“I’m eating for two.”
After months of avoiding soft cheese, cured meats, coffee, alcohol, and sushi, it’s time to indulge in some Costco sheet cake. It’s a guilty pleasure that tastes like both comfort and regret. -
“I have a birth plan.”
Let’s be honest: my birth plan revolves around pain relief options. Can I get a prescription lined up now? The thought of labor terrifies me! And please, spare me the horror stories about your lengthy labor; they’re just adding to my anxiety. I might need another slice of that shame cake to cope. -
“Ahem Ahem Ahem.”
This is my polite way of covering up the very real issue of gas that’s making its way through the hallway. -
“I’m having trouble sleeping.”
Since week 30, sleep has been elusive. While you’re resting soundly, I’m scouring Amazon for home sterilization kits, contemplating serious decisions about my reproductive future. And if my partner dares to complain about my restlessness, I might just consider a DIY vasectomy with kitchen tools. -
“We’ve decided on a name.”
Even if I had a bad experience with a person named after my favorite name, you best keep your thoughts to yourself. If I choose to name my child something outrageous, like Adolf Crisco Bieber Belieber, your role is to smile and nod, no matter what. -
“I can’t see my feet.”
At this point, I can’t see anything below my neck. My grooming routine? It’s gone downhill. My body’s a wild jungle, reminiscent of a chaotic war zone, with protests and panic all around. -
“Where’s your bathroom?”
I’m on such a tight schedule for bathroom trips that the idea of adult diapers has crossed my mind. But with my unpredictable digestive system, who knows what surprises await? It’s a gamble each time I sit down. -
“Yep, I’m still pregnant.”
Trust me, I’m aware of all the old wives’ tales about inducing labor, including spicy food and nipple stimulation. Thank you, random elderly woman in the checkout line, for your unsolicited advice. I may never look at those topics the same way again. -
“My dreams have been strange lately.”
Last night, I dreamt of giving birth to a tiny hotdog baby with flippers, only to forget him in the fitting room. If this is a reflection of my parenting skills, I might just find myself in serious trouble. -
“The doctor says that my bump is the right size.”
No, I’m not having twins. If your only reference of pregnancy is a comedy movie, you’re missing the reality. My body is retaining enough water to quench a California wildfire, and the aftermath of childbirth doesn’t magically eliminate the changes. Don’t even think about mentioning my postpartum body later.
For more insights on home insemination and related topics, check out our article on artificial insemination kits at Make A Mom. For further information on alcohol during pregnancy, visit Intracervical Insemination, an authoritative source. Additionally, for valuable information on IVF and fertility preservation, you can listen to this Cleveland Clinic podcast.
In summary, the journey of pregnancy is filled with unique phrases that have deeper meanings. From cravings and fears to the realities of body changes, understanding these sentiments can help create a supportive environment for expectant mothers.